Nine Guys And One Annoying Punk Chick
by HealerAriel
Summary: Yep, the sucked-into-LOTR topic again. But this chick's no Mary Sue. In fact, the Fellowship is debating killing her, because she's so damned annoying. An update! Finally!
1. One Annoying Punk Chick

(A/N- yeah, this is completely unoriginal and has been totally overused, but ya know what? If don't care. I just got Lord of The Rings on DVD, and I fell in love with it. No, I haven't read the books, but I'm planning on getting them cause the movie's so awsome, and books are generally cooler than the movies based on 'em. Anyway....if you like my telling of the got- sucked-into-LoTR scenario, tell me, and if you don't, bite me, cause I like it just fine.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This was creepy. I had fallen asleep on the couch in my house. I had just woken up in a forest. I do not live in a forest. Therefore, my current situation would have been perfect cause for a huge ass anxiety attack if I had not remembered to take my medication the day before.  
  
"Okay," I said to myself as my blood proceeded to run cold and I lost feeling in my legs. Oh, I was having an anxiety attack alright, but it would have been much worse had my medicine not been in my system. I have an anxiety disorder, by the way. Most people don't know what that is, but I've got one; I get the same out-of-body feeling that someone who's high on drugs gets. I have never understood why someone would actually want that feeling. It's not fun.  
  
"Calm down, girl," I said, taking deep breaths. "You're just dreaming. Go back to sleep. Mom'll wake you up any minute for horseback lessons. Just chill and go back to-" Oh shit. Now there was something sharp poking me in the back of the head. This was not a dream; this was a nightmare. A voice said something in a strange language. It sounded familiar, though, kinda like Celtic, but different... By the guy's tone, it sounded like he was asking me a question. Yeah, point a weapon at me from behind and THEN ask me something. Wherever I was, the people didn't have manners. I kept very still, hoping he would just go away and not kill me.  
  
"What are you doing here?" That I understood.  
  
"Hoping you don't kill me," I replied honestly. My assailant snorted and took the thing away from my head.  
  
"Stand up," he ordered. I complied. Normally I wouldn't have, but this guy had sharp pointy things, and I couldn't see him, so I didn't know if I could take him down or not. I don't care what my mom says, if someone is seven feet tall and weighs several hundred pounds, no amount of well- used Hap Ki Do techniques from a fourteen-year-old kid who stands 5'5" are gonna take him out. It's a law of physics.  
  
"Turn around." I surveyed my surroundings, looking for anything I could use. There was a big stick that could pass as a longbar, but that was about it. It would have to do. I kicked the stick up into my hands and whirled around to face him. My jaw dropped.  
  
"Holy shit!" I yelled. "You're Cute Elf Guy!" Okay, so technically his name was supposed to be Legolas, but I called him Cute Elf Guy because it annoyed my family when we watched Lord of The Rings. Cute Elf Guy gave me a weird look.  
  
"Who are you?" he demanded, probably assuming that I was insane. He wouldn't have been very far from the truth.  
  
"I'm-" I stopped. My name was Bess, but nobody here knew that. "I'm Raven," I said, using the name my mom had called me when I first dyed my hair black. "Raven Silverwing. How's it hanging, Legolas?" He gave me a weirder look.  
  
"How do you know my name?"  
  
"I'm a clairvoyant," I joked.  
  
"Truly?" Oh crap, he believed me?  
  
"Uh...yeah," I replied. Better to tell a small lie than to have him shoot me. Besides, I'd seen the movie, I knew what would happen. I could prevent things! I could stop Pippin from doing stupid crap, I could keep Boromir from croaking...I could do LOTS of stuff! That ruled!  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
"If you do not mind my asking, Lady Raven," my hot new elven companion began, "why are you dressed so strangely?" He was, of course, referring to the dark blue nail polish, the black eye makeup, the silver jewelry, the black jeans, the blue hair clip-ins, and the black tank top that said 'FEAR ME' in big letters across my chest.  
  
"Well, Elfy," I said, "it's 'cause I'm a punk chick."  
  
"What is a 'punk chick'?" he asked. Oh yeah, they didn't have punk rock in Middle Earth.  
  
"Me," I answered simply. "I'm also a level two Reiki practitioner," I added proudly. Well, I was.  
  
"What is Reiki?"  
  
"It's a form of energy healing."  
  
"You are a healer?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Then you must come with me to the-"  
  
"Council in Rivendell? Love to, babe," I said. *I'm gonna be in the Fellowship of the Ring,* I sang inside my head. *Shibby!*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N- well guys? Whattdya think? Review if you like it, but if you don't like it, just don't read it anymore. Flames make me angry.) 


	2. The Fellowship

(A/N- Hello again! I really hope you enjoyed my first chapter. Just for reference, this story may occasionally switch narration back and forth. You are forewarned. And be aware: Bess/Raven is not, by any means, supposed to be a Mary Sue. She is sarcastic, obnoxious, and generally annoying, like me. If you notice her acting Mary Sue-ish, please, by all means, tell me so I can correct my mistake. Also, I won't even take a whack at Elvish, so anything meant to be said in it shall be marked like "{this}" from now on, kay?)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, Legolas is pretty gullible, but at least he treats you nicely when you pretend to be a psychic. I still couldn't believe he didn't understand that I was joking when I said I was clairvoyant. Maybe he's just one of those guys who's gorgeous and dumb as a rock. There are worse types of guys.  
  
One of the upsides to fibbing about psychic powers was that later that day I found myself being waited on by elves, which rocked. They gave me new clothes, too. I now had an elfy black dress and a pretty silvery- blue cape.  
  
"Aw, dude, this is cool," I said into the mirror.  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I yawned. I had seen the Council of Elrond so many times it wasn't even interesting anymore. At the moment all the Elves were looking pissed because Gimli had dissed 'em. Several slim, blonde, blue-eyed pretty boys against an ill tempered Dwarf with a huge ass axe. My bet was on Gimli, no questions.  
  
Then all the guys started arguing, and a few minutes into this the little Hobbit dude said he'd be the one to destroy the ring and whatever, and all the other boys volunteered to help him. I stood by and watched until Pippin chimed in,  
  
"You need people of intelligence on this mission. Quest. Thing."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm coming, too," I spoke up loudly. Elrond looked even more annoyed. "What? I'm in it for tall, dark, and handsome and the sexy Elf," I said, gesturing to Aragorn and Legolas. I smirked. "Besides, they'll need a female mediator, lest they become overpowered by testosterone and start acting like a bunch of cock-swinging gorillas, losing sight of their original quest." This warranted strange looks from every male present.  
  
"Delicately put, my girl," Gandalf said. I grinned and joined the guys, putting my arms around the Ranger and the Elf.  
  
"Hiya, boys," I said cheerfully. They looked at each other.  
  
"Do you know her?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Her name is Raven," Legolas informed. "She's a psychic and a healer. She is...technically with me." I smiled cheesily and put my head on his shoulder.  
  
"You didn't think I'd let you go off without me, did you, Elfy?" I chirped, playing with his long blonde hair.  
  
"Must you call me 'Elfy'?" he asked unhappily as the rest of the men chuckled.  
  
"Why not? Does it strike a blow to your masculinity?" Now the guys were cracking up, except Elrond, who apparently has no sense of humor that he is aware of.  
  
"That is enough," he said evenly. The guys shut up and I folded my hands in front of me, smiling innocently. Elrond shook his head, then continued,  
  
"Ten companions. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
"Actually, *nine* companions and *one* annoyance," somebody in the group grumbled. Probably Boromir. That guy was a pain in the ass. And I wanted to save his life, why?  
  
"Great!" Pippin said. "Where are we going?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
And so it was that the ten of them set off. Bess decided to entertain herself.  
  
"I saw him dancin' there by the record machine,  
  
I knew he must'a been about seventeen,  
  
The beat was goin' strong,  
  
Playin' my favorite song,  
  
An' I could tell it wouldn't be long  
  
Till he was with me, yeah me, singin'  
  
I LOVE ROCK N' ROLL,  
  
SO PUT ANOTHER DIME IN THE JUKEBOX, BABY-!"  
  
"{Are you sure she's...sane?}" Aragorn asked, watching the girl sing and bang her head back and forth to the beat of the song, causing her long black hair to fly around wildly.  
  
"{Not at all,}" Legolas replied. "{But she may prove to be helpful. Someday.}"  
  
"{Dear God, I hope so.}"  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N- Well? How was it? Questions? Comments? Share your thoughts, as long as they aren't along the lines of "This sucks", 'kay?) 


	3. Getting to Know The Guys A Little Better

(A/N- MWAHAHA! Another chapter! Ooooooh....more Legolas.... *^-^* He's soooo - Uh, nevermind.)  
  
  
  
  
  
The boys and I had been walking and walking and walking for quite a while. Elfy'd offered to let me ride his horse (since I was a girl), but, being too proud for that, I'd refused. My pride has a habit of whacking me over the head with a frying pan. And since I am not used to walking long distances, I was not feeling too great. I had a headache from physical exertion, I wasn't breathing well, and my face felt like it was burning.  
  
"Are you alright, child?" Aragorn asked, looking genuinely concerned.  
  
"It's ferociously unlikely," I replied. I heard Boromir scoff. It wasn't helping my mood that he made a point of stating his resentment of my presence every so often.  
  
"If she's so out of shape, perhaps she shouldn't have invited herself on this quest in the first place," he said loudly. Oh, now I was perfectly energized.  
  
"Okay, what the hell is up with you?!" I demanded of him. "What do you have against me? Do you just hate women?"  
  
"You are not a woman," he said. "You're a little pest." I picked up a sizeable rock.  
  
"And you're a big pain in the ass!" I snapped, chucking the rock at him and hitting him in the back of the head. He yelled. The other guys snorted with laughter, which I think made him even less happy. It put me in a better mood, though.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
"We'll sleep here tonight," the wizard stated. Well gee, it'd taken him long enough to let us rest. My feet hurt like hell, I was hungry, and I was tired. Luckily, as soon as we stopped the little guys started cooking, so one of my problems was remedied.  
  
"Reconsidering the offer to take my horse?" Elfy asked, smiling as he sat down across from me.  
  
"You have no idea, man," I groaned. Ugh. At least I wasn't wearing a dress to do all this walking.  
  
"You'll get used to it," he said, still giving me that nice smile. Deep-rooted fangirlish insticts kicked in, and I found myself staring blankly at him.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" Gimli asked, looking between me and the confused Elf.  
  
"Man, he's beautiful," I said with a stupid look on my face, still gazing into Legolas's eyes. "Oh crap." I slapped my own face hard and cracked my neck. "I'm okay now," I informed. The Elf and the Dwarf gave me apprehensive looks.  
  
"Uh-huh...Please don't do anything like that ever again," Gimli said. "It's...just wrong."  
  
"I can't help it if Legolas is gorgeous!" Okay. I said that too loudly. All eyes were on me. The Elf inched away.  
  
"That was...disturbing," Aragorn said.  
  
"Everything'll be fine as long as she doesn't sleep anywhere near Legolas," Pippin laughed.  
  
"Okay. I'm gonna kill you." I got up and chased the Hobbit all around the campsite, screaming out threats. This was apparently very amusing to the other guys.  
  
"Hah! Can't get me!" he yelled, hiding behind Boromir.  
  
"I CAN TRY!" We ended up running circles around Boromir several times until I finally caught Pippin by the hair. "TAKE! IT! BACK!" I commanded.  
  
"Okay! Okay!" he surrendered. It took several minutes for all the laughter to die down. At least I'd brought some comic relief.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
"You know," I said, fingering Elfy's silky hair the next morning, "if you had to go against someone in hand-to-hand combat, he could get a hold of your hair and beat you senseless. It would be a lot more battle- efficient if you let me cut it." There was now a knife at my throat.  
  
"Elves never cut their hair," he said.  
  
"Sheesh, okay! God, forgive me for suggesting doing harm to your coif of power. I have seen the error of my mistake, get your damn knife away from me."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N- so it's short, big deal. And I get that the hair conversation is pointless, but I thought it would be funny, so sue me.) 


	4. Proven Insanity

(A/N- Helloo again! I love you all! And to a certain reviewer (since I can't remember what your name is) : I doubt that there will be any romance in this, or at least VERY little, for the simple fact that my character's fourteen (way under the age of consent anyway) and Legolas is a few thousand years older than she is. Such and age difference ain't exactly kosher, you get what I'm saying? I mean, I wouldn't mind if Legolas showed an interest in me ^-^ , but...it's still kinda creepy.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"You Hobbits are hungry little guys," I observed, watching as they prepared even more food just a few hours after dinner. It was after dark, and a couple of my buds were now asleep - namely Boromir and Gimli. Gandalf and Aragorn were smoking their pipes (I swear, from the smell, there had to be hashish in those things), and Elfy was laying on his back, staring up at the sky.  
  
"How do you fit all that food in your tiny little bodies?" I asked, watching Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam commence shoveling for the second time that night.  
  
"It's quite easy, actually," Pippin said between huge bites. I shook my head.  
  
"You guys must have amazing metabolism, is all I'm saying. If I ate like that, I'd weigh four hundred pounds," I stated. I was already slightly overweight - just slightly, though, and my body fat percentage was right where it was supposed to be, but I really didn't want to push my luck.  
  
"Metabo-what?" Merry asked, looking completely dumbfounded.  
  
"N-never mind," I said, getting up and leaving them to their food. I needed somebody intelligent to talk to. I surveyed my options. Two were sleeping, two were getting high, and one was stargazing. Taking this into consideration, I made my way over to Legolas.  
  
"Hey dude," I said, sitting down next to him. He didn't reply, nor did he move, or even blink. Weird, his eyes were open. I waved my hand in front of his face. "Yoohoo, pointy-ear guy." Nothing. I turned to Aragorn and Gandalf. "Uh, guys? I know the Elf's supposedly immortal, but I think he's dead."  
  
"What?" Aragorn asked, coming over.  
  
"Well, he's laying here with his eyes open and he's not blinking," I explained. "Did we kill him somehow - he's dead, dude, it's not funny!"  
  
"He- he's not d-dead," Aragorn managed through hysterical laughter. Oh yeah, there was definitely something illegal in that pipe. "Legolas sleeps with his eyes open!"  
  
"Oh. I feel like an ass," I said. "Won't his eyeballs, like, dry out, or something?"  
  
"I don't think so," he said, still snickering. I got an idea.  
  
"What'll happen if I poke him in the eye?"  
  
"Don't you dare," Aragorn scolded, just as I was about to test my theory. "Really, how a young lady your age could think of such an immature thing to do."  
  
"Can I blow in his eye?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can I drop water in his eye?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can I-"  
  
"Why would you want to do any of that?"  
  
"...'Cause it'd be funny?"  
  
"Not for Legolas, it wouldn't."  
  
"Yeah, but for me it'd be hysterical." He gave me that 'look'. That unblinking, terrifying, make-you-wanna-crawl-under-your-bed-and-hide look.  
  
"Just don't do anything to Legolas, okay?"  
  
"Yes Sir, Master Chief, Sir!" I chanted loudly, saluting.  
  
"WhadImiss?" Legolas mumbled groggily. "Whydja wake meup?"  
  
"Man, when you're tired you slur your speech!" I giggled. "I'm serious!" I added, recieving that infamous look from Aragorn. "He sounds like he's wasted!" They both looked at me like I was a lunatic. Then again, I kinda was by Middle-Earthen standards.  
  
"You should get some sleep," Aragorn advised.  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey Boromir, guess what?" I said the next day, keeping in stride with him.  
  
"What?" he asked, sounding annoyed.  
  
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on-"  
  
"STOP! SINGING!" he shouted.  
  
"Well fine, Mr. Pushy-Pants," I pouted. The remaining Fellowship members snorted in amusement, then proceeded to laugh almost as hysterically as Aragorn had the previous night. Even Boromir snickered despite himself. Legolas was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. It was one hell of an accomplishment to get a guy who hardly showed any emotion to laugh that hard.  
  
"I withdraw any former objections to her company," Dwarfie said.  
  
"Woohoo! Go me!" I cheered, prancing around. I grabbed Legolas. "Dance with me, Elfy!"  
  
"Raven? What are you doing?" he asked as I waltzed around with him.  
  
"I'm HYPER!" I crowed. "I have to get out my extra energy! Such a pwetty face!" I cooed, smushing his beautiful face between my hands. I laughed maniacally and trotted up to Gandalf. "Hiya, old dude!"  
  
"'Old dude'?" he repeated, giving me the 'you're-a-moron' look I had now come to expect.  
  
"Are we off to see the wizard? The wonderful Wizard of Oz?" I asked in all hyperactivity. "I hear he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a whiz there was! If ever oh ever a whiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because, because, because, because, BECAUSE - because of the wonderful things he does! MUWAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
If the Fellowship of the Ring had had any doubts about my sanity - or lack thereof - they were now gone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N- I was hyper when I wrote this chapter, hence Raven's actions. My little brother finds this hillarious, and he's the one credited for the "Mr. Pushy-Pants" thing. He does have the potential for good one-liners, doesn't he?) 


	5. Birdies and Avalanches

(A/N- HIYA, EVERYONE! My dearest Mommy and I just spent the night at the Cashtown Inn in Gettysburg. It's one of those places that's supposed to be haunted, but I, unfortunately, niether felt, heard, or saw anything remotely supernatural. That sucked, 'cause I went there for the ghosts, but at least the place was nice and comfy. I wanted a ghostie, though.... Oh well. For those of you who've never been to Gettysburg, I totally recommend going, for the historical factors and for the numerous "haunted" places to visit, if you're into that kind of stuff. Try Farnsworth Inn - it's supposedly the MOST haunted place in Gettysburg, and the food is AWSOME (Mom and I had dinner there. The game pie sounds and looks disgusting, but it's SOOOOOOO good, trust me). Sorry for the long intro. By the way, some stuff may be spelled wrong, and some lines might not be exact, but if you care, screw you.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Now we were to an actual scene in the movie - you know, where Boromir's teaching the little dudes to swordfight and Gimli's moaning and groaning about taking the scenic route instead of cutting through the mines. Legolas was off by himself, as usual.  
  
"You're a bit of a loner, Elf-Boy," I said, coming up behind him. "Or are you just too good for us puny mortals?" He turned to me with a puzzled look on his serene Elf face.  
  
"Do I truly come across that way?" he asked. I smiled.  
  
"I was just joking, Elfy," I assured. "You're a sweetie. We all love you." I heard Boromir laughing as Merry and Pippin pounced on him, and turned to watch. It was one of my favorite scenes from the movie, the one that had changed my mind about Boromir being a *total* jerk. You can't be all bad if you can laugh while being attacked by midgets, and then sacrifice your own life to keep them safe later on. I wasn't gonna let him die. Somehow I'd keep that ugly Orc from shooting him. I wasn't sure how I was gonna do it, but... Well, God always looks out for morons and babies, so if I winded up doing something dismally stupid, it'd probably turn out okay. It's when I do smart stuff that everything blows up in my face.  
  
"What is that?" Sam asked. Oh, we were to this part. I let the boys say their lines.  
  
"Nothing, just a whisp of cloud," Gimli said dismissively.  
  
"It's moving fast," Boromir said, recovering from the attack of the munchkins. "Against the wind." I sidled up next to him.  
  
"I know what it is," I stated. "It's-"  
  
"Crebain, from Dunland," Legolas and I said in unison. Boromir gave me a look.  
  
"I do that," I said, as Aragorn gave the fierce, manly order,  
  
"HIDE!" Yep, he's fearless, him.  
  
"Raven, hide!" Legolas yanked me over to hide with him under that bush thingie.  
  
"You realize," I whispered, "that those birdies saw us *way* before we saw them, right?" He clapped his hand over my mouth.  
  
"Shh!" he hissed. I licked his hand, and he jerked it away from my mouth. Hey, I never said that I was mature, did I? A few minutes later the birds flew away to tell Saruman about our whereabouts, and everyone came out of our pathetic excuses for hiding places.  
  
"You licked my hand!" Legolas wiped my saliva off his palm with a mildly disgusted expression.  
  
"You shouldn't have put it near my mouth, then, should you, dippy?"  
  
"Dippy?" he mouthed, looking utterly confused.  
  
"Where to, Merlin?" I called to Gandalf. "The Pass of Caradhras, perhaps?"  
  
"That...was what I was just about to suggest," he said, eyeing me suspiciously.  
  
"Not a good idea, homey," I informed. "'Cause when we get up there, there's gonna be this big honkin' avalanche, and we're gonna have to come back down again anyway."  
  
"I am sure that we will encounter nothing of the sort."  
  
"Fine, don't take my word for it," I muttered. "You're the wizard in this outfit."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
"Just cause Dumbledore doesn't wanna listen to me, I gotta come along and freeze my ass off," I grumbled under my breath as I trudged along with the big, strong, he-men to whom my advice meant precisely dick. Okay, I don't usually bitch, but I was cold, tired, and thirsty, and it wasn't improving my mood to know damn well that I would later be buried in snow, only to come back down the mountain and go into the Tomb of Moria, where I would be no less tired or thirsty.  
  
Frodo stumbled in the snow, and Boromir picked up the ring. I walked up behind him as he admired it.  
  
"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt...over so small a thing," he said. "Such a little thing..."  
  
"And I'm sure it really starts your engine," I said loudly, snapping him out of his trance, "but it belongs to shorty." I pointed at Frodo. "We'll buy you your own evil jewelry capable of possession when we get to the nearest mall, you dig?" He stared at me. I held out my hand. "Gimme." He grudgingly did so. "Good numbnuts," I said, patting his shoulder. I tossed the ring to the Elijah Wood munchkin. "Live long and prosper, young Jedi." Oops, wrong movie.  
  
After weird looks from the boys, we went on up the mountain. Soon the snow started getting deep and Elfy resorted to walking on top of it.  
  
"Dude, could you do the worm on top of the snow?" I asked, looking up at him. This warranted yet another look from everyone who heard.  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The worm. It's a breakdance move," I explained. That didn't really clear anything up. "Oh well, Bill gets me," I said, taking the pony's face in my hands. "Don't you, you schweet widdle wosie you! Why'd they name you Bill, anyway? I'd name you...Tinkles!" More weird looks. "Binkies?" I offered. Looks. "George? I'll shut up now."  
  
A half-hour later the snow was up to my waist. Now Elfy did his bit.  
  
"There is a fell voice on the air!"  
  
"It's Saruman!" old guy yelled. Isn't it common sense not to yell when there's an overhang of snow right above your head? It causes avalanches, as could be surmised from the fact that lotsa stuff fell from the cliff above us after he said that. Aragorn suggested turning back; the wizard refused and said a weak-ass spell; we got covered in cold white junk. Oh joy.  
  
"Told ya," I said, as we made our way back down the mountain five minutes later.  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
"Going to certain doom, going to certain doom," I sang in a fakey- chipper tone, "we're all screwed, and it's Pippin's fault that we're going to certain doom! The ugly shits are gonna kill us-"  
  
"Have I yet mentioned that your singing is quite disconcerting, young miss?" Sam said. "You're scaring me a bit."  
  
"Sammy, you haven't known fear yet," I assured. "Wait till we get into the mine, THEN you'll be scared."  
  
"There is nothing frightening about Dwarves!" Gimli protested hotly as we reached the place where the magic door would appear.  
  
"Yeah, but I've got news for you, Gimsies," I muttered. "It ain't the Dwarves I'm worried about. Say 'friend' in Elvish, old dude!" I called, noticing that Gandalf was now trying the door. He rolled his eyes and tried it, then gave me this look when it worked. In fact, they all gave me looks.  
  
"How did she know that?" Aragorn demanded.  
  
"I told you she was clairvoyant," Legolas said weakly.  
  
"Yep, I'm special," I chirped, putting my arm around his waist and laying my head on his shoulder. "Don'tcha love me?" Elfy gave me a scared look and wriggled out of my grasp. I shrugged. "Well, c'mon boyas! Let's go to our doom!" I pointed heroically into the darkness of the mine. "ONWARD!" 


	6. Caves and Calamari

(A/N- I'm sorry I haven't been updating lately. School -_-; You understand. But worry not! I would never intentionally dissapoint my fans.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves!" Gimli boasted happily as we made out way into the darkness.  
  
"Not likely," I muttered, staying so close to Legolas that he'd almost tripped over me several times.  
  
"You doubt me?" Gimli demanded, having overheard my comment. "You believe the mighty Dwarves to be inhospitable?"  
  
"Let's just say that I know damn well that they're not going to welcome us," I responded. Gimli growled something about how 'a Man-child would no nothing of such a thing', then went on with his bragging.  
  
"This is the home of my cousin, Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!" he finished. Boromir looked around in horror at the hundreds of corpses unseen to the Dwarf.  
  
"This is no mine," he said. "It's a tomb."  
  
"Told you they wouldn't welcome us," I said to myself. Gimli was taking this awfully hard, moving from skeleton to skeleton, maybe looking for someone alive, trying to give himself false hope.  
  
"No!" he cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas yanked an arrow out of one of the bodies and examined it.  
  
"Goblins!" he pronounced, readying himself for battle. The rest of the boys pulled out their swords (not THOSE swords, you pervs).  
  
"We must go," someone said (I was too busy avoiding the long-dead Dwarves on the floor to distinguish exactly who had said that). "We should never have come here." Just then, Frodo yelped. Oh shit, the squid came out anyway?! Ugh. I stayed inside as the boys fought it off. Hey, it's not like *I* had anything to fight with! I would have been squid chow if I'd gone outside. So I waited patiently as the battle against the evil calamari raged on. Pieces of rock began to fall from the mouth of the tunnel.  
  
"Guys!" I called. "The opening's about to cave! Get your butts in here! NOW!" To my utter surprise, they obeyed me very quickly. Maybe it was beginning to sink into their heads that I knew what was going on. Pshh, yeah right. Anyway, they assembled.  
  
"Then we have no choice," Gandalf said, lighting his stick. "We must go through the mines."  
  
"Oh, how delightful," I grumbled, picking my way over Dwarf corpses as Gandalf went on to explain about it being a four day walk to the end of the mines. "Not to offend anyone, but this whole situation sucks."  
  
"Sucks what?" Merry wondered.  
  
"You're too young to know," I replied.  
  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty," I bitched, as we climbed up that one damn steep stairway, "I have no clean clothes, I haven't had a shower for days, my hair's all tangled and greasy like Aragorn's-"  
  
"Must you whine so?" Boromir demanded. He lowered his voice. "Although, I must say I quite agree with you about his hair..."  
  
"Oh, yours is greasy, too," I informed. "In fact, the only one of us who doesn't look all skeazy is Elfy. He could be caught in a landslide and he'd still look fine as hell. Dammit, I hate Elves! They're tall, thin, and gorgeous, and I'm not!"  
  
"You're in a less-than-pleasant mood," Aragorn stated.  
  
"Yeah, and I think I'm getting my period, too," I growled. "And I'm sure there are no tampons in Middle-Earth." There was a long pause.  
  
"Did anyone understand anything she just said?" Pippin asked.  
  
"No," eight voices said. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Men," I groaned. I kept on complaining until Gandalf came to an abrupt halt at the landing at the top of the steps. He looked around and stated that he "had no memory of this place". So he sat down and started smoking. You know, to jog his memory. I, of course, knew exactly where to go, but I was too grateful to be allowed a rest to share this information. I decided to hang with the Dwarf, the Elf, the humans, and the midgets. Aragorn was smoking his own pipe, naturally. I groaned.  
  
"I'm hungry," Pippin and I whined in unison. My stomach hurt, and I was beginning to develop a hunger headache.  
  
"You guys wouldn't happen to have brought any coffee, would you?" I begged. "Chocolate? Sugar of any kind?"  
  
"No, why?" Boromir asked absently.  
  
"I need a sugar rush to keep me alive," I moaned. "Otherwise you big strong men might have to carry me the rest of the way."  
  
"I'm not volunteering," he informed.  
  
"Neither am I," Aragorn added.  
  
"I wouldn't *want* you carrying me," I said. "You're smoking reefer. Anyone with half a brain knows not to let a stoner carry them; there's a very high chance of being dropped off a cliff onto sharp pointy rocks." He shrugged and continued to suck on his pipe. Sheesh, all that dope he does, and he manages to stay in shape.  
  
"Perhaps your coming on this quest was unwise," Legolas said, sitting down next to me.  
  
"Why?" I demanded.  
  
"You obviously are not used to the physical exertion," he explained. I pouted.  
  
"No, I'm not! I admit it!" I threw my arms around him, buried my face in his chest, and pretended to cry. "I'm weak! I'm weak!"  
  
"I...meant no disrespect," he said. "I was simply stating the opinion that you did not seem to be up to this."  
  
"But it's truuuuuuuuuee!" I wailed melodramatically. "I'm no good at anything! I'm worthless! Just kill me!"  
  
"It's very tempting..." Boromir said thoughtfully. Legolas and Aragorn shushed him. "Well, it is," he shot back.  
  
"Oh, shut up, Boromir. You suck Orc dick," I said, forgetting my fake crying. Everyone who had heard me replied in unison,  
  
"What?"  
  
"...Nevermind."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N- Sorry it's short. Hopefully you got a jolly good chuckle out of it though. ^_^ Bye!) 


	7. Everybody's Giving Boromir a Hard Time

(A/N- I AM SO SORRY! I'm an idiot! I'l try SOOO hard to get another chapter up sooner! Pwease forgive me!)  
  
The boys all kept shooting me weird looks after my comment on Boromir's sexual activities with Orcs. Particularly since they seemed to be absolutely clueless as to what sucking Orc dick entailed. People in Middle- Earth were so pure it was unnerving.  
  
"Pretty Elfy," I said in my singsongiest (well, it's a word now!!!) tone, braiding his long blond hair. Yeah, we were still waiting for Merlin to get jazzed enough on his weed to decide where to go. Note to self: establish Middle-Earth rehab system. Gandalf's way too dependent on his pot.  
  
"Pleeeeeeeeease, can I kill her?" Boromir begged.  
  
"No," Aragorn said firmly. Boromir scowled.  
  
"She said your hair was greasy, I'll have you know," he grumbled, slumping down.  
  
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," I informed, glaring at him. Hey, it's hard to say that without laughing! And all I got was a few lousy confused stares! I crossed my eyes and stuck out my tongue at Boromir, then figured it was a good time to motivate Gandalf to move his ancient ass.  
  
"Hey, old guy!" I called. "Can we go now? It's that way, ya know," I added, pointing down the path they'd gone into in the movie. I was well rested, and I now felt woozy from food deprivation, so this was as good a time as any to hightail it to Lothlorien. Where there are Elves, there are tall, thin, beautiful people and food. Food was the motivation, as the only attractive Elf in The Lord of The Rings was already in my vacinity. And I was too hungry to even drool over him! Curse this wretched fate! Uh, anyway...  
  
"Hmm. So it is," Gandalf agreed, eyeing me suspiciously.  
  
"WHAT?! The Elf told you I was psychic!" I pointed dramatically at the old wizard. "Thou shalt not doubt the word of Legolas! Or me. So let's get off our idealistic asses and go down that there tunnel." Nobody moved. "Do I have to get PMS on y'all? MOVE OUT!" NOW the boys scampered. Maybe having one's period isn't such a bad thing... Certainly get's things done.  
  
***  
  
"I'm hungry," I whined as we made our way through that big old...place with...lotsa pillars. Okay, so I wasn't exactly LISTENING to Gandalf when he told us what it was called. I was paying too much attention to my empty stomach and dry mouth.  
  
"If you continue to complain, I can't promise that I won't put a gag on you," Boromir grumbled. "Annoying little brat."  
  
"Yeah? Well...well, in a few minutes I'll come up with a very clever, biting retort, and THEN you'll be sorry," I informed, waiting for the said brilliant comeback to pop into my head. My mind was empty.  
  
"Well? Where's your sarcastic remark?" he taunted. I scowled and kicked him in the shin.  
  
"I'm too hungry and dehydrated to think at the moment, thank you," I grumbled. "Oohhhh, I need something to eeeeaaaaat," I moaned. "Can't Gandalf magic us up some food?"  
  
"No," the wizard replied.  
  
"What's the use of a wizard if he can't conjure a pizza?" I sulked, crossing my arms over my chest and stomping my foot. Hey, if they were already convinced that I was immature and bratty, I may as well have fun acting the part.  
  
"What's a pizza?" Pippin chirped. I have a feeling my eyes glazed over with longing.  
  
"Pizza is food from my homeland," I informed. "You've got this crust, then you smother it with tomato sauce, and cheese, and sausages, and olives, and pepperoni, and basically whatever the hell you want. Ooohhh, I'd do just about anything for a pizza right now... or a cheeseburger... or a steak and cheese sub...or-"  
  
"You're making the rest of us hungry," Merry groaned miserably. "Stop talking about food."  
  
"Not my fault you guys packed everything BUT non-perishable food," I accused. "Wait, I take that back. You didn't pack soap, either, resulting in a few of us - who shall remain nameless - carrying with them the pleasant odor of wet dog," I added, glaring pointedly at Boromir. He glared back. I made a face at him. He drew his sword, and had it wrestled away from him by my boys Aragorn and Legolas.  
  
"Oh, come on, would you miss her?" Boromir demanded. "Just let me cut an arm off, please? A hand? A finger?" And, to add insult to ego-injury,  
  
"You're such a child, Boromir," Aragorn sighed, shaking his head. I chuckled evilly as Boromir sulked.  
  
"You gonna cry, Boromir?" I taunted quietly, poking him. "You gonna cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry?"  
  
"You'd better sleep with one eye open, you little monster," he growled. I faked a whimper and clung to Aragorn.  
  
"He's threatening me, Master Chief, sir," I pouted. He glared at Boromir, who now looked as though his rights had been severely violated.  
  
"Haha, you suck!" I mouthed, pointing at him behind Aragorn's back. More glaring. Hoo boy, this was fun. I more or less skipped along, occasionally pulling someone's hair (hey, they all have it long! The temptation was too great!), until we got to the room where Gimli has his emotional breakdown. And break down he did. Man, it is UGLY to see a grown Dwarf cry. So ugly, in fact, that looking at Frodo's buggy eyes, chipmunk cheeks, and thick neck would have been more appealing. But, only hypothetically, because my time was much better spent babysitting our resident dumbass, Pippin.  
  
"Don't touch that," I commanded over and over again, as Gandalf read his little passage out of that book. I, personally, would not wish to touch anything a decaying Dwarf had been clutching, but to each his own.  
  
"'Drums, drums in the deep,'" Gandy read off, with unnecessary dramatic inflection. "'We cannot get out. They are coming.'" The boys (excepting the still-weeping Gimli) stared at him in...I dunno, reverence or something.  
  
"Nice bedtime story, old guy," I said. "Thanks." He gave me a look, and I turned around just in time to grab Pippin's chubby little hand away from that skeleton he was supposed to knock down. "You are one stupid little shit," I informed. He gave me this wide-eyed, innocent look.  
  
"But, I just wanted to see what-"  
  
"You know what would have happened as soon as you touched that?" I quizzed. "It would have fallen down that well, and made a big bang. Then the drumming would start, then the Orcs would come along with their huge- ass cave troll - who Elfy would take out with an arrow in the mouth, but not before it tried to skewer Frodo - and we'd be running from Orcs, right? Then, we'd get into this big pillary place, and - OH NO! - the ugly bastards would catch up to us, and get around us in this big pack and then you'd be one SAD LITTLE HOBBIT!" I took a few deep breaths (having said all that in only one), and noticed that everyone was staring at me, and Pippin looked absolutely terrified.  
  
"Go on," Gandalf prompted.  
  
"...Okay, did that, or did that not prompt you guys in the slightest to get out of here before Pippin does something else worthy of a Stupid Award?" The taller members of the group discussed this, while the Hobbits did their respective 'sad' faces and Gimli kept sniffling over the death of his cousin-dude.  
  
"I do think it would be in our best interest to leave this place as soon as possible," Aragorn stated. Well, somebody listened to me.  
  
"Good decision," I replied, applauding silently. "Now, let's pack up the short guys and shove off, shall we?"  
  
"I still hold that we should gag the child," Boromir growled.  
  
"We will do nothing of the sort," Gandy informed in his 'tough' voice. "She has supplied us with valuable information. I am sure that her visions will continue to assist us." I was confused for a minute, then remembered that I was supposed to be a psychic.  
  
"Oh, yeah! Yeah, totally, visions. 'Cause, you know, that's what we clairvoyants do, right? Uh, let's go now, okay?"  
  
And with that frantically babbled lie, we set off toward (drumroll) Khazad-Dum.  
  
(A/N- again, I apologize, but...yeah. Heh, cliffhanger of sorts, see?) 


	8. It's a Balrog! Now let's get the hell ou...

"And what, exactly, are you so cheerful about?" Boromir grumbled, still glaring at me. I gave him my sweetest smile, and continued with my rather springy gait. I, personally, was in a damn good mood at the moment. We were to the halfway point of the voyage to Khazad-Dum from Balin's tomb, and our journey had been surprisingly incident-free.  
  
"What, I can't be happy about not being in the presence of Orcs?" I quizzed merrily. "I don't know about you, but I don't like Orcs. They're mean, they're ugly, and they probably smell bad. All in all, it would be like facing an army of you," I added, my smile widening as I quickly darted to Aragorn's side, lest Boromir try to retaliate physically. Yep, I was really getting the hang of the fine sport of Boromir-taunting. So long as you have a wizard, a king, and an Elf prince with you, it's a relatively risk-free pastime.  
  
"And you are CERTAIN that we cannot kill her?" he demanded of the aforementioned fellas.  
  
"Is it really worth your time, Boromir, to hold this vendetta of yours against a mere child?" Aragorn asked rhetorically. Boromir put on his trademark scowl.  
  
"That is no child. That is a creature from the very depths of the Underworld."  
  
"You make me sad," I informed. "And besides, I'm almost fifteen. I am, by definition, a young adult, thankyouverymuch." That earned me several snorts, which indicated that despite this information, I would still be called a child. And I thought it was hard to get stuff through men's heads POST-Feminism! Maybe being in Middle-Earth wouldn't be as fun as previously estimated. I looked at Legolas. On second thought, yeah, this would be plenty of fun. I could only pray that at some point he'd end up getting soaking wet, a la "Pirates of the Carribbean"...  
  
"Are you feeling alright?" the angel in question asked concernedly, obviously having noticed my perverted smile.  
  
"Yes, yes I am," I replied with renewed fangirl happiness. "Feeling better than I have all week, as a matter of fact."  
  
"...Why?"  
  
"Trust me, Elfykins, you don't want to know." All of a sudden, there was a loud crash and a yelp of pain. I turned around to see Pippin on the ground, looking incredibly guilty.  
  
"I...I tripped," he said, pointing to the Dwarf skeleton he'd tripped over. There were a few exasperated groans from the rest of the group. I grabbed the Hobbit and pulled him to his feet.  
  
"Pippin, little guy, I like you a lot, but you REALLY have to stop being so clumsy," I informed, before addressing the rest of the guys. "Hey, boyos, I think maybe we should speed up a little, in case anything heard that."  
  
"It, er, might be too late for that," Merry said helpfully. And then I noticed the red glow coming from the far end of the hallway. Oh. Shit.  
  
"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked Gandalf. I SO did not have time for this!  
  
"It's a Balrog! Now let's get the hell out of here!"  
  
"For once, I think the demon-child has the right idea," Boromir remarked. Gandalf looked a little like I'd stolen his glory (which I sorta had), but proceeded to lead the group, nonetheless.  
  
The next few minutes would have gone exactly like in the movie, except that since we'd hightailed it toward the exit sooner, the pathways across that big chasm weren't falling down, and Frodo and Aragorn needed not to go rock-surfing. Which, in itself, bought some time.  
  
All in all, we made pretty good time to - and most of the way across - the bridge. Then the Balrog caught up. For a moment I wondered why the hell this was, then realized that it was because Gandalf HAD to fall into the big hole in the ground. It was a major plot element, and there was nothing I could - or, SHOULD - do to prevent it.  
  
I tried rather unsuccessfully to convince the men to just hurry out, but they more or less gave me their respective "You callous little bitch" glares. I normally would have been hurt by being looked upon with such hate, but I was much more interested in leaving. But, I had no choice other than to wait until Gandalf said his last line in the movie. And finally, he did.  
  
"Fly, you fools," he said, before falling backward into the darkness. I resisted the urge to groan "FINALLY", as that probably would have gotten me more hateful looks.  
  
***  
  
At last, fresh air! I would have really liked to just skip around in the sunny, snow-covered field outside the mines, but that seemed unadvisable considering the very gloomy Fellowship around me. Boromir was struggling to restrain a very angry Gimli, the Hobbits were sobbing, Elfy was looking gracefully distraught, and Aragorn looked as though he was blaming himself for the whole mess. Yeah, merrily turning cartwheels was definitely a bad idea.  
  
I guess I felt sympathetic, or something, because I found myself kneeling next to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Hey, you wanna know a secret?" I asked. They gave me these confused, tearful looks, which I took as an affirmative answer. "I happen to know for a fact that Gandalf's going to be okay."  
  
"That's impossible," Merry said, shaking his head.  
  
"Yeah, didn't you see him fall?" Pippin chimed in, just as morosely.  
  
"Boys, boys, come on now. Do you REALLY think such a strong wizard could croak that easily?" That seemed to have struck a chord, as their tiny little faces lit up with hope. Oh, shit, now I was doing good deeds? What was the matter with me?  
  
"Really? He's alright?" Pippin asked. I gave him a surprisingly sincere smile. Oh, c'mon, Hobbits are cool!  
  
"I solemnly swear," I promised. "But don't tell anyone I told you, okay?" They nodded vigorously, now looking quite a bit more cheerful as I walked away, my work done, to talk to Aragorn.  
  
"Well, what now, Master Chief?" I asked. I noticed him looking past me suspiciously.  
  
"What did you say to Merry and Pippin?" he replied, answering my question with another question.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I would like to know how you've managed to cheer them up so greatly."  
  
"Oh, that. Well, you see, there's a problem with that."  
  
"What sort of problem?"  
  
"The thing is, I can only make one person happy per day, and since those guys equal one full-sized person, my daily good deed is worn out. So, if you want to know what I told them, you'll have to wait till tomorrow."  
  
"That is absurd," he informed. I shrugged. He sighed, shaking his head. "We'll be heading off to Lothlorien. It should take about four days," he said, finally answering the first question.  
  
"Great. Because I, for one, am really in the mood for some food, sleep, and a hot shower."  
  
"I share your sentiments completely," he agreed. Then, "...Shower?" 


	9. Off To Lothlorien We Go!

"I'm hungry, Master Chief, Sir."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we gonna be there soon?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How soon?"  
  
"Do you ever stop talking?"  
  
"Is that a rhetorical question, Master Chief, Sir? You know I never shut up."  
  
"The Hellchild speaks the truth, Aragorn," Boromir said. "Wouldn't you be happier just to ignore her pointless babbling?"  
  
"Oh, go hump a squirrel, Boromir," I grumbled. As predicted, this earned me eight looks that read quite plainly, 'What have YOU been smoking?' Alright, so maybe it wasn't fair for me to keep harrassing the Fellowship fellas, but you know what? I was tired, I was hungry, I was dehydrated, and on top of all this I had not bathed in at least a month. I thought I deserved to be a little obnoxious under the circumstances. Hey, like I was supposed to KNOW that there would be no nap or shower breaks on this little journey? I think not.  
  
I mournfully examined a lock of my incredibly grimy hair. No washing or brushing had come to it since we'd left Rivendell, and I was fairly certain that had I looked into a mirror just then, I would have screamed in terror at the sight of myself. Don't get me wrong, none of the guys seemed to CARE that I was utterly filthy, but since they themselves were not looking particularly beautiful and well-groomed - with the exception of Legolas, naturally -, the fact that they paid no heed to my lack of glamour did very little to ease my mind. And, of course, Legolas's continued Elvish prettiness only irked me further. Stupid Legolas. But, hey, I could take solace in the fact that at least Aragorn was dirtier than me! Well, I HOPED he was dirtier than me... couldn't be sure with no mirrors around.  
  
"Are we there yet?" I asked again, keeping in stride with Aragorn. He sighed.  
  
"No, Raven, we are still not there," he replied, sounding remarkably calm for someone who had been subjected to my mindless chatter for as long as he had. Even my parents eventually told me to shut the hell up.  
  
"That sucks..." I said sadly. "You know what? I'm gonna sing!"  
  
"No, please do not."  
  
"Are you insinuating that I'm a bad singer, Boromir?"  
  
"Not at all," he responded, gazing haughtily ahead. "You sing beautifully, by Orc standards." I calmly kicked him in the leg, and began to merrily belt out showtunes from "Anything Goes", completely unconcerned about the looks of pain on several faces at the sound of my singing. Served them right for not having soap and hairbrushes.  
  
***  
  
At long last, we finally got to the forest, and my spirits lifted considerably as Gimli started to say his schpiel about Galadriel.  
  
"What has made you so cheerful all of a sudden?" Legolas asked, looking concerned at my mood swing (I had been, up to that point, complaining about food the whole time).  
  
"We're gonna be able to sleep and bathe and eat soon!" I replied happily. "In three, two, one..."  
  
"I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox," Gimli stated proudly, only to find an arrow pointed at him when he turned his head. And then, Haldir came forward. And I was able to restrain myself while Aragorn talked to him. But, it didn't last long.  
  
"You have entered the realm of the- Why are you laughing, girl- child?" he demanded huffily. By this time I, of course, was bent over, laughing like a madwoman for, as far as anyone could tell, no apparent reason.  
  
"'You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood,'" I quoted, mimicking his voice. "'You cannot go back.' Dude, Haldir, you are so gay!" He looked at me in shock and Elvish outrage, and continued his lines. And I was giggling crazily all the way to Galadriel's chamber thingamabobber, earning me lots of strange looks. And my amusement wasn't exactly helped by the fact that Galadriel and her bitch, Celeborn, appeared just as they had in the movie - hence, glowy. My words of wisdom?  
  
"Mommy, it's radioactive!" I shouted, breaking into hysterical giggles once again. Legolas smacked his forehead and groaned in embarrassment. Galadriel and Celeborn just looked at me like I was some sort of retard, then Celeborn proceeded with his little "Where is Gandalf?" speech. Man, it's HARD to get a rise out of an Elf! Galdriel put on her 'dismayed' face.  
  
"He has fallen into shadow," she said prettily. Wow, this was a grim little shindig, wasn't it. Well, not to worry, I could fix that. "The quest stands on the edge of a knife," Galadriel continued. "Stray but a little, and it-"  
  
"MEOW!" I shrieked as loud as humanly possible. Ah, random outbursts, great for lightening the mood. Except that no one laughed. Galadriel just kinda gave me this 'How dare you interrupt me while I'm talking at you?!' glare. I did the only thing I could do to rectify this situation: I pointed at Boromir, while making my most innocent face. Oh dear, if Gondor-Boy hadn't wanted to kill me before, he CERTAINLY did now! In fact, he looked as though he was pondering boiling my head in acid.  
  
Boromir's so funny when he's mad! 


	10. Stupid Elf Shampoo!

"Tonight, you will sleep in peace," Galadriel finished at long last, after recovering from my many interruptions. Have to say, for someone who regularly gets green and electrical-looking, the woman has great composure when being pestered by me. Hehehe, that wouldn't last long, if I had any say in the matter. But, at the current time, I was much more concerned with eating and bathing than I was with pissing the Elf-witch off.  
  
"Thanks for that," I said, mock-saluting Galadriel, who just looked at me like I was an insect. "So, babe, when do we get some chow and a shower-" Legolas promptly leaped forward and clapped a hand over my mouth, blushing furiously, before I could embarrass him further in front of his fellow Elves.  
  
"Please forgive the girl-child, Lady Galadriel," he said. "I'm sure she means no disrespect, she is just very weary from the long journey." I pondered sinking my teeth into his pretty fingers for actually thinking such a lame excuse would work, but thought better of it once I saw that...his excuse HAD worked! Galadriel nodded sympathetically.  
  
"Yes, I suppose I should not hold the child responsible for her actions in hunger and exhaustion. I had forgotten how frail the children of men are." I caught a subtle, collective sigh of relief from the Fellowship. I stifled a giggle. Frail? I'm not frail, lady, I'm just a pain in the ass!  
  
"Thank you, My Lady," Aragorn said, bowing to her, and shooting me a sidelong glance of disapproval. I rolled my eyes, my mouth still covered by a large Elven hand. Obviously, Legolas didn't trust me not to say anything else stupid.  
  
"I shall send someone to tend to her needs shortly," Galadriel informed, as she and Celeborn turned to leave. As soon as they were gone, another, more obvious sigh of relief escaped the boys. Legolas was nearly glaring down at me. I pinched his arm, and he finally took his hand away from my mouth.  
  
"What EXACTLY was the meaning of all that?" Boromir demanded, eyeing me with the utmost loathing.  
  
"What? You heard the woman, I can't be held responsible for my actions, I'm just a frail human child," I replied smugly.  
  
"Do you have any inkling of how badly the situation could have turned out if you had continued?" Aragorn quizzed, obviously trying very hard to speak calmly and rationally.  
  
"Chill out, dude," I advised, waving away his silly logic. "Nothing really bad's happened yet, has it?"  
  
"Not yet," he agreed, "but I fear the future may hold many troubles if-"  
  
"If Legolas tires of being your nursemaid," Boromir finished, earning a snicker from Gimli, and a death look from the pretty prince in question.  
  
"I am no nursemaid," Elfy shot back sulkily, amongst stifled chuckles from Gimli and the Hobbits. This would have, no doubt, been an interesting conversation to stay the whole way through, but at that particular moment the need-tending Elf Galadriel had promised made her appearance. Not for the first time, and definitely not for the last, I wondered how the hell Elves stayed so beautiful constantly. This was one of your typical Lothlorien-variety Elves: long, wavy gold hair, kaleidescopic blue/green/grey eyes, white brocade gown showing off a figure no human could ever attain without plastic surgery. Damn Elves.  
  
"Girl-child?" she called, in the usual whispery, musical Elf voice. "Follow me."  
  
"Okey-dokey," I replied, trotting over to her. I waved to the guys, and this new Elf led me off in another direction. "And you can call me Raven, ya know," I added, "'girl-child' gets old pretty quick."  
  
"Ah, forgive me, Miss Raven," she said, nodding her pretty head. "I am Luinedring (A/N- Hi, Heidi!), handmaiden to the Lady Galadriel."  
  
"Spiffy," I responded. She gave me a questioning look. "It's, uh, a word from my native language," I lied.  
  
"Oh, I see," she said, as she pulled aside a heavy curtain to reveal what was presumably a bathing area (well, why else would there be a big, clear pond in the middle with steam coming off it?) enclosed on all sides by either foliage or said curtain. Purdyfull. I had to commend the Elves: they really did pick the best spots.  
  
"Bathing is gooooooood," I moaned in sheer bliss, a big smile stretching across my face.  
  
"You may give me your clothes to be washed," Luinedring informed, "and I shall bring you some clean clothing to change into after your bath."  
  
"Thanks, you're a doll," I said. She just blinked at me in confusion, then apparently decided it must have been a compliment, because she smiled before politely turning around while I undressed. And man, was I glad to get out of those filthy clothes. I'd never before seen Elf clothing be anything other than perfectly clean and pretty, yet as soon as I was the one wearing it, it was easily as dirty as anything Aragorn or Boromir decked themselves out in. I think maybe Elves naturally repel dirt, that would explain a lot.  
  
"Ah, I'm happy now," I sighed, sinking down to my chin in the warm water. "I think I love you, Luinedring, I really do." Poor thing looked confused again, but made a quicker recovery than she had the last few times.  
  
"Thank you, young Miss," she replied, as she gathered up my clothing (without even looking disgusted by the amount of grime on the ensemble - I was impressed). "I shall return shortly with your-" I missed the last part of that sentence, having fully submerged my head in the water at that point. She was gone by the time I came back up for air.  
  
"Wow, privacy," I remarked to myself, picking up a bottle of Elf shampoo and squeezing a particularly generous amount onto my hair. Oooh, it smelled nice... I made a mental note to sniff Legolas's hair the next chance I got. Hey, maybe the Elves in Mirkwood used different shampoo than the ones in Lothlorien. It'd almost be a scientific endeavor. Almost.  
  
After quite a bit of vigorous scrubbing, I A) finally felt clean, and B) noticed that the water was now almost black. Damn, I didn't realize I'd been THAT skeazy...  
  
"Icky," I commented wisely, climbing out of the pond/bathtub and grabbing a towel to dry off with. "And that, ladies and gentlemen is why I prefer showers." Apparently, Luinedring had returned while I was bathing, because she'd left me a neatly folded, light blue dress on the little table near the towels. Spiffy. I wrapped my towel around myself, and began to carefully comb all the tangles out of my hair. And by the miracle of Elf shampoo, by the time the tangles were out of my damp hair, it dried almost instantly via my fluffing of it, and I went over to the mirror to brush out the fluff-induced messiness. But the sight that met me when I looked into the mirror left me with only one possible action.  
  
I screamed in terror.  
  
And I screamed again. And I kept screaming, until my loving nanny came running in, daggers drawn, and looking very shaken.  
  
"Raven! What's wrong? What happened?" he asked frantically. And then he stared at my head. "Ah...Raven, your hair is-"  
  
"I KNOW!" I wailed miserably. "It's...it's...IT'S BLOND! The stupid Elf shampoo made the dye come out of my hair! Oh, Elfy!" I flying-glomped him, sniffling over the loss of my pretty, black-dyed hair.  
  
"Erm...well...it really is not that bad," he said, petting my head awkwardly. "I mean, you do look very different-"  
  
"I LOOK STUPID!" I cried into his chest. He merely coughed and muttered something unintelligible. Yeah, he thought I looked stupid, too.  
  
"I know what would make you feel better," he said, after he had presumably gotten bored of petting my head as I bemoaned my stupid blond hair. "Come, we shall get you something to eat."  
  
"Okay," I pouted, pulling away from him. I then found, however, that my flying glomp had loosened my towel, and it promptly fell off. And the entire situation was made so much better by the esteemed Prince of Mirkwood blurting helpfully,  
  
"You have very small breasts."  
  
"I HATE YOU!" 


End file.
